We’re the Millers is no Horrible Bosses in the “hilarious quotes” department, but it was definitely a passable summer comedy. There were even a few good laughs that weren’t given away by the trailers.
Jason Sudeikis as David
Jennifer Aniston as Rose
Will Poulter as Kenny
Emma Roberts as Casey
Ed Helms as Brad
Kathryn Hahn as Edie
[Club Owner]: Hey Rose, I know you’re technically on break but I need a lap dance, table 5. Just don’t get too close, the guy has two hook hands.
Rose: How did we let that guy back in here?
[Club Owner]: I dunno, he must’ve picked the locks. Hehehe.
David: What the hell are you doing up, it’s almost 2… Where’s your mom?
Kenny: Uhh, she went for a drink with a friend.
Kenny: Last week… So I got the whole place to myself. Rollin’ Han Solo for the weekend.
David: Please don’t tell me where we’re going. I love surprises.
[Receptionist]: Can I help you?
David: Hi, you ordered two black guys. David Clark here to see Mr. Gurdlinger please?
[Receptionist]: I’ll tell him you’re here. Can I get you something to drink? Coffee, tea, Fresca?
David: Hmm you know what, a Fresca sounds really good.
[Receptionist]: You got it.
David: I appreciate it. Hold on one sec… you guys want anything? It’s on me, you can replenish those electrolytes. I don’t want you cramping up later when you’re jerking each other off.
David: [Lost tourist asks for directions] Fuck off, real life Flanders!
Brad: [Phone rings] Go for B-rad.
David: Hey Brad, what the fuck?
Brad: Uh oh, something wrong?
David: Yeah something’s wrong. Something’s very very wrong! Okay, you said a smidge of pot. This is not a smidge!
Brad: Smidge and a half, no?
David: You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson man!
Casey: I think Snoop Dogg would fuck this fridge…
Edie: Just so you know, when you’re a synchronized swimmer you can’t use a maxi pad because you can see it. So my friend bought me a box of “tampins” and I’m telling you I had such a hard time inserting those. They would just stick halfway out. It’s like a roman candle. And that is how I found out I was born with a shallow vagina.
Rose: Yes, that is such a detailed story.
Edie: Thank you!
David: You gotta do a one-woman show.
Casey: Did you think Lebron was [a real baby]? Oh no no, Lebron was a sack of herbs, oregano and basil.
David: Yeah, we were just treating it like it was a real baby. You know, for a summer project. It teaches the students that nothing ruins your life more than having children.
Rose: It also sends that message to teens, just stick to the big A.
David: Yeah… Anal.
David: Abstinence! Neither makes a baby.
David: [Guessing pictionary] Is it a bad drawing Kenny? My guess is bad drawing.
Rose: Oh, a penis! It’s a big dick! Those are balls… It’s a big, black dick! Big black dick! It’s a… big black cock. Black cock down!
Kenny: It’s a skateboard.
David: [Kenny] you don’t have to be scared to kiss a girl. I mean you damn near sucked a guys dick back there.
Kenny: [Gets bit by a huge spider] Fuck a donkey, it hurts so much.
David: What the hell is going on?
Kenny: A fucking spider bit me, David!
David: What? Where, where did it happen?
Kenny: It bit me on my balls! On my fucking balls. On my balls. On my FUCKING BALLS!
Rose: Let me see it. Kenny, let me see it.
Kenny: No fucking way. You’re not seeing it.
Rose: Kenny c’mon, I can’t help you unless you show it to me. Please sweetie, just show it to me.
David: Kenny will you just man up and drop your pants please.
Casey: We’ve all seen a dick.
David: [mad at Casey] We didn’t know if you were dead in a ditch!
Rose: You couldn’t have called?!
David: Yeah, or send one of those damn text messages you’re always sending out there – “Hey it’s me Casey, I’m not dead in a ditch. LOL, little picture of a fuckin’ whale, #YOLO”.